Can you find and loose yourself in Art?
“Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time." - Thomas Merton.
This profound quote by Thomas Merton has been a constant companion as I navigate a deeply exploratory stage in my artistic journey. For the first time in what feels like forever, my focus has shifted entirely to the act of expressing and exploring, rather than creating with a predetermined purpose.
In just two short weeks, I've used more paper than ever before. This wasn't about producing something for an audience, but rather about discovering what truly resonates within me, right now. This introspective shift began a few weeks ago, stemming from a conversation with my fiancé – as many of my deepest reflections tend to. We were discussing if my pursuit of art was truly something I wanted to continue. I know, shocking! But this year marks a decade of being a practicing artist, and lately, it had begun to feel less like a creative outlet and more like a chore. The expectation that "being an artist" was my whole identity felt overwhelming, especially when I'm also a mother of four, a full-time employee, a university student, a friend, a fiancé, a daughter, and so much more.
My wonderful fiancé is, without a doubt, the most supportive and caring person in my life. I'm incredibly grateful for his unwavering love and his honest opinions. So, when I shared these feelings with him, his response was exactly what I needed to hear: "I support whatever decision you make, whether you want to burn everything, sell everything, never pick up a brush again, or just do it as something fun with the kids." Essentially, he assured me that whatever path I chose, he would be there for it.
Less than eight hours later, as we sat at home in the evening, the bedroom light cast a soft glow on him. He wore a striped shirt, sitting in a wire chair, and the shadows of the wires fell across his legs. Suddenly, lines were everywhere. It sparked something deep within me, an almost involuntary desire to explore line in my sketchbook.
That unexpected spark has truly ignited a whole new me. It’s a beautiful realization, isn't it, how sometimes in the moments we least expect, the flame of creativity can light us on fire? And boy, have I been lit! My sketchbooks are nearly full, papers are scattered across every surface, and I'm seeing the world through a vibrant new lens. I've been reignited and reinvigorated, focusing intently on the pure joy my creative pursuits now spark, letting go of any concern for perfection.
This journey has been a powerful reminder of Merton's words. In embracing the freedom of exploration and expression, I've managed to lose myself in the sheer process of creating, letting go of external pressures and expectations. And paradoxically, through that very surrender, I've truly begun to find myself again – rediscovering the authentic joy and passion that first drew me to art.
My dinging table aftermath after a day of exploring with blue
